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By Matt Christensen

Sure, you know what you like to wear, but do you have any clue what your date thinks of your look? With the help of three women and a fashion stylist, we put seven common men’s fashion statements on trial. Which ones will live to see date night — and which will get locked away for good by the fashion police? All rise…fashion court is in session!

Meet the fashion police:
Caitlin, 30, retail, Kansas City, MO
Lauren, 22, marketing, Columbus, OH
Jane, 23, student, Brooklyn, NY
Maria, 27, fashion stylist, New York, NY

Fashion Statement #1: Baseball caps
“A lot of guys actually look cuter with a hat on. It really suits the younger crowd. But it can look strange on older men: What are they trying to hide under there?”
– Lauren

“These are fine for daytime dates, but a chronic display of baseball caps would send up warning flags about hair loss — and the guy’s embarrassed about it.”
– Caitlin

“Guys look hot in baseball caps. As long as you’re in a casual atmosphere, like a sports event or the park, go for it!”
– Jane

“I love guys in baseball caps. Just be sure to give your head a breather every now and then…”
– Maria

The jury says: NOT GUILTY! This fashion statement gets pardoned, thanks to its classic, casual vibe. But you and your cap should spend some time apart, too. Sure, the hat might be hurt, but it’s healthier for the relationship in the long run.

Fashion Statement #2: Earrings
“I don’t think this trend is so bad. Sure, it may be a little ‘boy band,’ but a lot of girls secretly like that.”
– Lauren

“Earrings are OK, so long as they aren’t dangly. Specifically, the boy-band style hoop earrings are atrocious. I went out with a guy who wore them, and it was like staring across the table at a pirate.”
– Caitlin

“Unless your name is Donnie, Joey, Danny, Jordan, or Jonathan, you shouldn’t be wearing one earring. Two is more acceptable, and only if they’re not bigger than a pencil eraser.”
– Jane

“Keep them a decent size, and you’re golden. But once they get too large, no matter how big the diamonds are, it’s time to rethink things. No girl wants a guy with ears like a beagle!”
– Maria

The jury says: SPLIT DECISION! Remember, guys, you don’t want your jewelry to outshine your date’s. Keep your studs understated, and they’ll look cool. But wear earrings that are big and showy, and she’ll be asking, “Hey, where’s your parrot?”

Fashion Statement #3: Bluetooth ear clip
“Guys who wear these clips should always set their phones to vibrate. It’s obnoxious.”
– Lauren

“These are a paradox. On the one hand, they suggest that you are very busy, forward-thinking, etc. But, on the other hand, the only guys who I ever see wearing them are also sporting ridiculously puffy, pleated khakis. Go figure.”
– Caitlin

“Every time I see these, I imagine the guy facing another corporate drone from the opposite end of a fluorescently lit hallway, not a guy who is ready to take me out for the night.”
– Jane

“This look makes women assume that you have 2.5 kids and a golden retriever waiting behind a picket fence in the ’burbs.”
– Maria

The jury says: GUILTY! Ditch them! Bluetooth clips are the fanny pack of this decade and deserve a home in the trash, not on your body.

Fashion Statement #4: Socks with sandals
“Anyone over the age of 10 should know better. Unless you’re making a concerted effort to remain in your parents’ basement until you’re 40, ditch the socks, or find some shoes.”
– Lauren

“This doesn’t even reflect bad fashion sense — it reflects a lack of fashion sense altogether. One guy actually came to pick me up for a first date in this combo. I’m trying to remember whether or not he was wearing a Hard Rock Café shirt, of if my brain just filled that in years after the fact. No, it was definitely a Hard Rock shirt.”
– Caitlin

“If your feet are going to be cold in sandals, why wouldn’t you just, I dunno…wear shoes?”
– Jane

“Does any guy still do that?!”
– Maria

The jury says: GUILTY! While the comfort level may be high, the blinding effect of bright white tube socks and Tevas will make sure you enjoy yourself sans female companionship.

Fashion Statement #5: Ripped/distressed jeans
“If it’s a genuine pair of ripped, torn, well-worn jeans, then they’re totally sexy.”
– Lauren

“Ripped jeans fall into two categories. Either they’re legitimately ragged because they’re your favorite, or you’ve been instructed on what’s trendy and have spent $200 on pre-ripped, distressed denim. The former is fine. The latter is a jerk alert.”
– Caitlin

“Depending on the appropriateness of the ripped areas, these are all right. But, if there’s any visible indication of your boxer shorts, forget it.”
– Jane

“These will always be in style. A guy’s favorite pair of jeans is special. You know, as long as they aren’t acid-washed!”
– Maria

The jury says: NOT GUILTY! No real guy would ever throw away his favorite pair of jeans — even if they look like they did battle with a shredder. Thank goodness the ladies agree that they’re not only appropriate, but appealing, as long as those holes and tears were come by honestly.

Fashion Statement #6: Popped (or turned-up) shirt collars
“I’ve actually turned guys’ collars down for them. It’s a guy trying way too hard to be trendy.”
– Lauren

“Truth be told, I like this look. You have to be extremely confident to pull it off.”
– Caitlin

“If your neck is cold, wear a scarf.”
– Jane

“This is a trend that definitely got out of hand. But some guys can pull it off. It’s not going to make a guy incredibly enticing to me, but it wouldn’t turn me off, either.”
– Maria

The jury says: SPLIT DECISION! If you look like an Express Men catalog dude, feel free to pop away. You’re the person that the look was tailor-made for. But if you don’t have the confidence to rock the fashion statement, you’re best letting gravity style your collar.

Fashion Statement #7: Sports jerseys
“Football jerseys are adorable on game day. But the basketball jerseys with white undershirts need to go. They remind me of my high school’s JV team.”
– Lauren

“If I met someone wearing a jersey, I’d immediately assume he’s a guy’s guy. He likes cars, dogs, and sports. That’s attractive. But, if he showed up for a date wearing one, I’d make him wait while I slipped into my sweats and flip-flops.”
– Caitlin

“Basketball jerseys are the worst. Nobody wants to see your armpit hair.”
– Jane

“If there’s a game on, a jersey is not just acceptable but encouraged. Otherwise, there really isn’t a good time to bring it out of retirement.”
– Maria

The jury says: NOT GUILTY! Rest easy, pal. You can hang on to that prized Drew Brees jersey. Just be sure to wear it on game day, and bench it during the off-season. And save the hoops gear for, well, the basketball court.

Matt Christensen has written for Maxim and WWE Magazine. He’s single-handedly trying to bring back pocket protectors. For the other side of this story, read What the guys think of your fashion.

By Matt Christensen

It’s no secret that women spend hours trying to figure out what to wear before they head out on a date (or on the prowl for one). But the real question is, what do men think of their efforts? We enlisted four men to act as our own fashion police and tell us what they really think about various fads women seem to keep kicking around. Which ones get their thumbs up, and which get sentenced to life in the bargain bin? Answers ahead.

Fad Fashion #1: Designer sweats/sweats with words on them
“This look always reminds me of self-absorbed teenage girls that hang out at the mall. Did you just come from Claire’s or something?”
– Steve, 31, writer, Missouri

“The words try to make sweats something that they’re not. Sweats should be basic, comfortable, and laid-back. That’s what makes them sexy.”
– Andrew, 25, grad student, Ohio

“With words like ‘juicy’ and ‘pink’ on them, it makes me wonder about what message these girls are really trying to send. Not hot.”
– Joey, 29, analyst, Vermont

“Irony is seeing the word ‘classy’ down a woman’s thigh. Forget trans-fats, these fashion catastrophes need to go.”
– Ed, 29, nightclub manager, Ohio

The jury says: Bargain bin! The sooner you turn these togs into rags, the better. If you want a guy to check out your figure, it’s probably best to not cover it with random adjectives or ad campaigns.

Fad Fashion #2: T-shirts with witty slogans or sayings
“Ninety-five percent of the girls who wear t-shirts that say something like ‘Out Of Your League’ really aren’t, actually. And shirts like these only serve to point that out. As for the other five percent, why rub it in?”
– Steve

“I love a woman in a t-shirt. But I can’t get behind the off-the-shelf sort of generic slogan, message, or design. Now, a legit, vintage concert or band t-shirt, that’s a different story.”
– Andrew

“These could be fun. But, only if the messages read something like ‘LARP is a Battlefield’ or ‘I’ve Seen Bloodsport.’ The traditional messages, like ‘Team Jacob’ and ‘Drama Queen’ make me wonder when your parents are coming to pick you up.”
– Joey

“Trendy does not, nor will it ever, equal sexy. Trading that ‘Your Future Ex-Wife’ top for a basic white t-shirt will get you more flattering looks instead of repulsed grimaces.”
– Ed

The jury says: Bargain bin! T-shirts are sexy staples because they’re basic and simple. Don’t clutter them with meaningless slogans, obnoxious phrases, or any sort of wordplay that you’d see on someone’s Facebook status updates.

Fad Fashion #3: Leggings
“If you’ve got nice legs, this look can be attractive with a short dress and heels. It says, ‘I know it’s cold out, but I still want to give you guys something to look at.’ That’s just being considerate.”
– Steve

“I like being able to check out the shape of her legs while still having to use my imagination to visualize what they’d really look like.”
– Andrew

“Leggings make me feel like she’s trying too hard. Or like she’s been warped through time from the 80s. Once and for all, Pat Benatar was not that sexy.”
– Joey

“Leggings work for me, but I’m a leg man. I’ve seen a lot of wacky, bold colors, and I can see how some guys might find them unattractive, but understated ones have a certain charisma.”
– Ed

The jury says: Keep it! Covering up your legs this way can add to the intrigue and charm of your look and stretch your clothing further between seasons.

Fad Fashion #4: Ugg boots
“Wearing these makes you look like you were stuffed into a time capsule in 2003 and just recently woke up. Don’t do it.”
– Steve

“Unless it’s -10 degrees Fahrenheit out, I can’t understand why any woman would ever put these on. And, if she’s wearing them with a skirt, I probably won’t talk to her. Ever.”
– Andrew

“Short for ‘ugg-ly,’ right? Leave these to the Vikings, ladies. They wore them better.”
– Joey

“Pam Anderson used to wear these on Baywatch, and it made me want to change the channel. Think about that. I wanted to turn off Baywatch.”
– Ed

The jury says: Bargain bin! Somewhere, an Eskimo mourns because you took his boots and wore them all year long… for about a decade. Can you live with that knowledge?

Fad Fashion #5: Giant sunglasses
“This is the female equivalent of a hipster beard — fun to wear, yet obnoxious. But, if you make a joke about how your delicate retinas need 100% UV protection on a daily basis, I’d be cool with them.”
– Steve

“I immediately assume that a woman is not attractive if she covers up half of her face with these things.”
– Andrew

“These are absolutely OK — if you’re 87 and playing shuffleboard. Otherwise, they’re just covering up prime real estate. No one is gonna bid if they can’t see the property.”
– Joey

“These sunglasses make women look like insects! And never once have I looked at a grasshopper and thought, ‘Wow, sexy!’ Leave the bug eyes to the bugs, ladies.”
– Ed

The jury says: Bargain bin. Don’t be fooled — a brief tilt of the sunglasses can make a woman seem undeniably alluring. Just make sure to pick frames that fit your face, not Rachel Zoe’s.

Fad Fashion #6: Miniskirts
“Provided your legs are shapely and not milky white, miniskirts are super-hot. Girls with Casper-colored legs can look just as attractive (if not more so) in a tight pair of jeans, though.”
– Steve

“These are sexy, but I don’t think I’d be interested in dating someone who habitually wears them. Miniskirts will always get women attention, but sometimes it’s better to leave things to the imagination.”
– Andrew

“This is a time-tested, man-approved sure thing. Miniskirts and heels are like the playoffs and ribs — they go together perfectly.”
– Joey

“Ladies, don’t kid yourselves — men will always look at a girl in a miniskirt. If that’s what you’re going for, put one on.”
– Ed

The jury says: Keep it! Miniskirts have been around and in style since the 60s. Embrace the history and keep the tradition alive.

Matt Christensen has written for Maxim and WWE Magazine. He threw his Ugg boots away a long, long time ago. For the other side of this story, read What the ladies think of your fashion.